The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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