We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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