1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
