Betty ford says i'm here all night
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Houston, we have a squirter
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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