He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
