Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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