what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
