i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
40s are totally the cure
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
