i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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