I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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