Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
