Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
They are going to name an STD after you.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
