how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
