Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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