I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
