I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let's paint friendship bongs
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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