I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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