Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
