not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
