i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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