The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
