I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
