Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
