my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
