take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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