I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
