I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
