i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
