just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
