it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
