I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
