um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
