I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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