Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
