why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
