Fine. I'll sleep in my office
its not stalking. its research.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
