At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
