3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
