when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
