Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
