There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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