tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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