There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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