Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
