my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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