I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
