He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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