Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
