The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I didn't notice because vodka
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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