He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
