i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
