Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
