considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
